Chicken Sh@%

Ok, confession: I haven't gotten on the scale in a couple of weeks. I am working hard, watching what I eat, eating fruits, veggies and nuts first before any processed foods, getting the dog walked, getting on the bike regularly. So I know I have probably lost a bit but I feel like I've been fighting these same 5 lbs. for MONTHS. I am sick of those numbers. I never want to see 138 on the scale again. Don't get me wrong - that's a far cry from 158, 188 or 208. I will never see those numbers again, ever. But I have been loitering, wandering and malingering in the 130's forever. I think it's my own personal weight loss Purgatory. I am Sisyphus and 138 is my big ol' rock. I keep pushing it away and it keeps freaking rolling over me. So in order to not see those numbers I have been avoiding the scale. I don't want to get demoralized by those numbers so I am trying to lose the weight and then get on the scale so I don't have to deal with it. How is that for coping? Well, it's better than just giving up. And I wish I knew why my body is so comfortable at this weight.

The other issue plaguing me a bit is my right heel. It's being crappy and I wish my heel would just heal already! I don't know what the issue is but it hurts, and then it really hurts when I run. So I've had to stop running. I replaced running with the spin bike but I gotta tell ya, nothing melts my ass like running so I'm quite peevish that it's been taken off the menu. I have been off my foot and wearing a brace and icing it at night. And....it is (feeling better), she said as cautiously and optimistically as possible while not jinxing it.

So maybe I will cowboy up and get on the scale in the morning. Or, maybe I"ll wait until next week hoping for some really good numbers. It's like scale lottery! I'll let you know when I grow a pair and face the numbers.

Paradigm Shift

Ah, yes. Now I get it. It's a lesson I keep learning and every day I get another chance to get it right. Also, another chance to screw it up, but I'm not focusing on that! It's a lesson about food. And there's SO MUCH information about what to eat, when to eat, and how to eat it that is overwhelming and often conflicting. But when you boil it down, it gets very simple. Burn more calories than you consume. Eat what your body needs. Let me repeat that.

Eat for fuel. Simple. Don't eat when you feel like it, don't eat when you're hungry, don't eat because others are, don't eat because you happen to be in the kitchen!

See? Simple. I did not say easy!! But as soon as I got back in weight loss mode where I was paying attention to what I eat I recognized the different mindset toward food. I started posing different questions that were very telling. Instead of walking into the kitchen and wondering 'What is there to eat?'. I would go in the kitchen only when it had been 2 1/2 or 3 hours since I'd last eaten. I would wonder 'What does my body need now?' If I just exercised the answer was water and protein. Pretty much any other time I made sure to ask 'Have I had my 5 servings of fruit and veggies yet?' If the answer was no then that's what I would head for first.

It's a consciousness that was missing for the last two or three weeks. I don't intend to let it get too far away from me again. I can't let eating be recreational or social or unconscious again. EVER. Therein lies the path to a giant ass, my friend. Yes, it's true, you'll get your boobs back too but I'd rather buy a padded bra!

Sometimes you just have to tell your diet to suck it!

So, I gained back that 5 pounds and then have just sort of stayed here for two weeks. I'm not too sure why but I haven't had that same 'eye of the tiger' go get 'em attitude about working out and watching everything I eat. I haven't been gorging or falling off the wagon, just haven't been in what I call 'weight loss mode'. It's a different mode than just everyday living. It's intense and takes a lot of attention. So I haven't been giving it it's due. I've just been existing. Which has been nice, I must say. I think I needed a break from the intensity.

But now I looked in the mirror and can see my butt is bigger! That's not ok! So I am ready to resume and see this project to the conclusion. I read a quote from Valerie Bertinelli that said she's giving herself a 5 pound window but there's a 'stake in the ground at 132 lbs.' I like that idea. It seems like there's security in having a number where the alarms go off and you can say "Stop! No farther!" and get all Berlin Wall with it. Otherwise, it's too easy to fall back and start to slip slidin' and next thing you know you are wearing elastic pants! It's kinda funny because now all I wear is elastic waisted things because I keep shrinking out of my clothes so the elastic helps them last longer.

Yup, I'm getting back to it. I can prove it by the fact that even though I slept rotten last night and am backachy today I got on the bike for 40 minutes and did some abs too. After that I made sure to stretch and shower and I feel much better now. I'd have to say I feel almost human! I think that's a pattern. If I feel sluggish or blah I just always feel better after yanking myself up and getting moving. I dare you to give it a try next time yo have the blahs.

Look out Tomorrow! I have you in my sights: there are calories to burn, large dogs to walk, a heavy bag to be punched, V-8 to be drunk and my ass to be kicked. IT'S ON.

Derailed, dejected and even a little bit depressed, but still determined.

So, ya know how I lost that last 5 lbs. and how I said it was a REALLY hard 5 lbs. to lose and how I had to just go ballistic and up my workouts and get crazy? Yeah, well, I just gained it all back. Yup. 5 lbs. gained back. That 5 lbs. Every. Freakin. Ounce.

Sigh. All it took was family visiting and my routine being thrown off and the eating out and eating in general that comes with visitors and throw in some stress and not enough working out and there you have it. 5 lbs. Oh poop. So I am not at all happy about it but happy that I was brave enough to get on the scale this morning and see what damage I'd done. That took some courage but it was totally like ripping off the band-aid. Just do it! Just get your ass on that scale and face the music. In this case the music was a big waaaaa waaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. But it's over and done and I know that I can get back on track.

How do I know? What makes me certain? What keeps me moving forward toward my 100 lb. weight loss and the purple hair that will follow? I finally figured out that this is my lifestyle. It took months but then I realized that I don't work out because it's fun or I enjoy it, although it is and I do. I work out because I want to age well. I am defying gravity! I am defying joint deterioration and surgeries! I am defying canes, walkers and wheelchairs! I am defying the inevitable slowing of the brain as the body slows down. I want to know that I am doing everything I can think of to help myself keep my health and my faculties. I want to be the crazy grandma wearing shorts and playing tennis with the grandkids. Altho I DON'T WANT GRANDKIDS ANY TIME SOON!!! And I can't play tennis for shit. I stink at tennis, I'm not expecting that to change.

This keeps me going because I have seen the alternative. This is serious. It is actually life and death. No kidding. So I encourage you to rip off your own band-aid and confront reality. I am totally here to hold your hand if you need a buddy. I am in your corner and I have your back because my struggle is your struggle and visa versa. I know we can do this, it is within our grasp. So rip it and let's go.